my space

 

Finding Myself

 

This year has been a game-changer in many ways. The pandemic hit us all and how! And then came The Lockdown ! The unthinkable had happened. Life came to a grinding halt. I have gone through a gamut of emotions- anger, denial , depression, elation, contentment during this period. Let me start at the beginning of the lockdown.

 I always had a hectic schedule- I needed the buzz to make me feel alive hence I had very busy weeks and even busier weekends. My days were slotted neatly into various activities. I love routine and structures you see. Thrice a week  I would rush to my Yoga class early in the morning, driving full speed to reach in time( I rarely did- I was always a couple of minutes late )and then would rush through my practices so that I would reach back home in time to leave again for work !  Once a week we had a 15 minute Pranayama session in Yoga class, which I almost always skipped, as I just could not sit and observe my breath! There was no time.  My days were a blur-rushing, running, always on the go! From yoga to work to grocery shopping to tailor to library to club...it was a whirlwind !

Still, I did manage to find time for a singing class, an occasional lunch with friends and even late night movies. I took great pride in announcing to whoever was listening that I ticked all the boxes. But in this maddening routine, somehow, I had lost touch with myself. Life was on an auto-pilot mode.

And then came The Lockdown. Everything came to a standstill. The initial couple of weeks I felt I was on a much needed break and I indulged myself by binge-watching shows, eating at odd hours and lazing away on my couch. Then the dullness started creeping in and there were days when I felt angry and at the same time helpless. I was lost. There was no routine to anchor me. I had thrived on activity and the lockdown meant no more running and no more rushing to finish chores and ticking the boxes. I had always wished for a day with more than 24 hours and now it seemed the 24hours had turned into 48 hours!  Thankfully, gradually I started slowing down and a sense of calmness enveloped me warmly as I started appreciating the simple joys of life. I accepted the fact that I may have to live like this for a few months.

 This acceptance was a game changer.

 I no longer stressed over the absence of house-help. Before the lockdown I would go berserk if the house-help was late by a few minutes. No more! I realised I could manage a lot of work on my own if I didn’t stress about it. With nowhere to go, no one to meet, nowhere to commute I started enjoying my me-time. I practiced yoga and Pranayama every day. Yes I can now do breathing exercises peacefully. I started doing riyaz, resumed reading, writing on my blog , long conversations with family and even started an Instagram account to share my writings and thoughts. I had started on my journey of self-love and self care and was enjoying the me-time.

Though the lockdown has eased and now life is limping back to its previous avataar and my days are almost back with a vengeance- thanks to WFH- I still have some me-time and I make sure I do spend it leisurely doing things I love and not merely doing them to tick the boxes.

This lockdown has made me calm and has helped me re-discover myself! I spend time doing things I love and  I cherish my time. I know this time will pass too but now I will ensure that  I do not lose myself in the maze again!

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