Life is beautiful

Life is beautiful

when your son cooks for you

when your daughter steps in for you 

when your beloved clears the dining table for you

when your friend cooks for you

when your favourite song blares on the radio

You know -pandemic or no pandemic

Life is beautiful!

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                                                        Pandemic Fatigue

I am tired 

of wearing a mask everyday

of social distancing

of sanitizing frequently

of staying at home

of being afraid of people

of not going out

of not eating out at restaurants

of not travelling.

I am tired 

of the new normal.

The pandemic fatigue is setting in...

 I want to live 

not 

survive.

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Chashma

 

Chalo aaj mud ke kal ko dekhte hai

Par pehle zara ye gulabi chashma uttar lo

Warna tum phir yahi kahoge

Yaar kal bahut haseen tha

Tum bhool gaye wo roz ki bhagdag

Wo alarm ka zor se bajna, wo jhatke se uth kar nahaane bhaagna

Naashta haath mein lekar, computer aur phone ko balance karte huey train pakadna

Dhakkam dhukki ke beech phone answer karna aur phir poora din chakkarghinni ki tarah ghoomna

Raat ko thak kar chid chide mood mein rehna, tapaak se mujhe shut up keh dena

Tum bhool gaye ye sab baatein.

 

 Chalo aaj ab is aaj ko dekhte hai

Par pehle zara ye saleti chashma uttar lo

Warna tum phir yehi kahoge

Yaar aaj bahut depressing hai

Tum nahi dekhoge ki aaj kitna shaant hai

Ab alarm nahi bajta, araam se  angrai lekar bistar par pade khidki ke bahar baithe

 totey ki jode ki chechahat sunte hai

halanki work from home hai aur ghanto computer par beet jaate hai

lekin na wo bhaag daud hai, na wo time ka stress. na wo shorsharaba

Tum bhool jaate ho ye sab baatein

 

Chalo aaj aane waale kal ko dekhte hai

Par pehle zara ye kaala chashma uttar lo

Warna tum phir yahi kahoge

Yaar aage bahut andhera hai

Tum nahi dekh paaoge roshni ki wo kiran

Jo door jhilmila rahi hai aur keh rahi hai ki waqt guzar hee jayega

Raasta mushkil zaroor hai. lekin raasta he hai, kahin toh pahuchayega

Toh bas ummeed ka daaman na chodo aur dheere hee sahi par chaltey reho

Kal bas yahi yaad rahega ki kissne kitna saath nibhaya aur kis tarah nibhaya

Tum bas yaad rakhna ye hee baatein.

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 Space

A little space

        so

 I can grow

A little more  

        so

 you can grow 

        then  

A little more

         so

we can grow.

That`s all I want.

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Finding Myself

 

This year has been a game-changer in many ways. The pandemic hit us all and how! And then came The Lockdown ! The unthinkable had happened. Life came to a grinding halt. I have gone through a gamut of emotions- anger, denial , depression, elation, contentment during this period. Let me start at the beginning of the lockdown.

 I always had a hectic schedule- I needed the buzz to make me feel alive hence I had very busy weeks and even busier weekends. My days were slotted neatly into various activities. I love routine and structures you see. Thrice a week  I would rush to my Yoga class early in the morning, driving full speed to reach in time( I rarely did- I was always a couple of minutes late )and then would rush through my practices so that I would reach back home in time to leave again for work !  Once a week we had a 15 minute Pranayama session in Yoga class, which I almost always skipped, as I just could not sit and observe my breath! There was no time.  My days were a blur-rushing, running, always on the go! From yoga to work to grocery shopping to tailor to library to club...it was a whirlwind !

Still, I did manage to find time for a singing class, an occasional lunch with friends and even late night movies. I took great pride in announcing to whoever was listening that I ticked all the boxes. But in this maddening routine, somehow, I had lost touch with myself. Life was on an auto-pilot mode.

And then came The Lockdown. Everything came to a standstill. The initial couple of weeks I felt I was on a much needed break and I indulged myself by binge-watching shows, eating at odd hours and lazing away on my couch. Then the dullness started creeping in and there were days when I felt angry and at the same time helpless. I was lost. There was no routine to anchor me. I had thrived on activity and the lockdown meant no more running and no more rushing to finish chores and ticking the boxes. I had always wished for a day with more than 24 hours and now it seemed the 24hours had turned into 48 hours!  Thankfully, gradually I started slowing down and a sense of calmness enveloped me warmly as I started appreciating the simple joys of life. I accepted the fact that I may have to live like this for a few months.

 This acceptance was a game changer.

 I no longer stressed over the absence of house-help. Before the lockdown I would go berserk if the house-help was late by a few minutes. No more! I realised I could manage a lot of work on my own if I didn’t stress about it. With nowhere to go, no one to meet, nowhere to commute I started enjoying my me-time. I practiced yoga and Pranayama every day. Yes I can now do breathing exercises peacefully. I started doing riyaz, resumed reading, writing on my blog , long conversations with family and even started an Instagram account to share my writings and thoughts. I had started on my journey of self-love and self care and was enjoying the me-time.

Though the lockdown has eased and now life is limping back to its previous avataar and my days are almost back with a vengeance- thanks to WFH- I still have some me-time and I make sure I do spend it leisurely doing things I love and not merely doing them to tick the boxes.

This lockdown has made me calm and has helped me re-discover myself! I spend time doing things I love and  I cherish my time. I know this time will pass too but now I will ensure that  I do not lose myself in the maze again!

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Ditch the Drive !

So I decided to pick my daughter..Nothing spectacular, my daughter has experienced this chauffeur- driven service from me all her life! But you see, this time round I was grumpy, irritated and just did not want to drive. So off I  went in my new car, speeding down BKC- one of the few, make it very very very few,  roads in Mumbai where you can go above 30km/hr. After innumerable wrong left turns, right turns and U turns I finally manage to locate the place. I crawled at 5km/hr trying to locate the main gate/ watchman/ ANYONE on the deserted road on a hot summer day at 2pm.

As I kept crawling and looking around, I heard a CRUNCH..Stop! I braked hard..there really was no need to press hard on the brakes, the car was barely moving!..Suddenly the world acquired a different dimension! . It took me a few minutes to realise that the front tyre had gone in a ditch and the car was tilted and balanced like a poised gymnast on one of those crossbars !I gingerly opened the door and stepped out , at the same time trying not to dislodge it from its current position.

Did I mention that the road was deserted ? Well, suddenly a few people came on the road, helpful drivers a couple of rickshawallahs, watchman etc.
 Most of them tutted. " Arrey Madam..Kay Kartos Tumhi "? (What have you done ) "You did not see the ditch? There is a piece of ply laid across it."
Thank you ! I fumed internally. Piece of ply on the ditch ! How the hell was I supposed to know that the harmless piece of ply had a gaping hole underneath.

"You will have to call a tow-chain" quipped one driver
"Abhi kidhar se aayega. Madam park karo aur Jao..Driver ko bhejo apna" , suggested another.
"No no  Just call your husband"
Suggestions were flying fast and furious. I looked helplessly at one of them and said'"Why don`t we all try pulling it out. Just help me push it."
Half of them vetoed the idea outright." Nahi Hoyega..No.  Call  the Tow chain."
One enterprising fellow demanded that I hand over the  jack and he would some how try to rescue my perfectly balanced car...Amongst all this commotion a young driver walked up.

"Stop now all of you. I am getting in the car and we are 7 of us.. So just lift the front and I will manage it."
He got into the car and lo! behold in a couple of minutes the car was back safe on the road.
" Not too bad. Only the Mudguard scratched a bit." said a helpful soul
I blew a sigh of relief. I thanked him and said , "Main toh bahut darr gayi" ( I got really scared)
He looked nonchalantly " Why ? It was an accident. Its just a car. You are safe na ? Call your husband now. He will be happy to know you are safe."
I looked at him .Thin, scruffy fellow in dirty jeans and old faded striped shirt. He walked back to his car and drove off.The crowd of 6 soon dispersed..as suddenly as it had assembled.

Moral ? Why did I write this incident ?
To highlight :
Apathy of the so called educated lots who drove away in their air-conditioned cars without a glance ?
Apathy of the government..At a higher speed or late evening this ply covered ditch could be a disaster?
Gratitude for these so called uneducated drivers who rush to help out people ?
Wonder at the wisdom of the young man ? Its just a car ! You are safe..

Go figure!

Don`t Worry, Be Happy

I will be Happy when.....

1. I get a bigger house..make that at least a 4BHK with terrace and sea view.

2. My son tops his class...actually make it school!

3. My daughter gets into A particular school.

4. I buy that gorgeous LV bag.

5.I buy that sexy black peep toe shoe.

6.I get a pair of solitares.

7.We go for an international holiday..add the Bahamas or Alaskan Cruise ..

8.I get that job in the top management institute..make it part time with hefty renumeration.

Whoa!! I could go on and on...That`s a tall order for being Happy. And what if I get that LV bag? By then there would be another one that I would start craving for..And if my daughter gets through, I would probably want her to get into the school football team and if I got the house I would then want top-notch interiors..Hmmm spend my life running after Things that could make me happy.

Now , I realise the futility of it all. Happiness is a state of Being. If you attach happiness with a certain event, object, person, achievement then it is going to be elusive forever.Equating happiness with material comforts , luxuries and relationships means inviting trouble. Its like handing over yourself to others. They control your emotions and thus your life.

I definitely don`t want that. So I choose to be happy irrespective of all these coveted luxuries. If it happens, good and if it doesnt even Better. Cheers to that!

What about you? When will YOU be Happy???

Ji Nahi Karta

Baatein hain bahut si ,

Par kissi se kehne ko ji nahi karta.

Ajab se mod par hain zindagi ,

Par kadam uthane ko ji nahi karta.

Jaanti hoon ,tum ho paas

Phir bhi ,haath badhane ko ji nahi karta.

Kya yahi hai Zindagi ?

Jawab jann ne ko bhi , ji nahi karta.

Just a Housewife !

So..what are you up to these days??

Welllll…not much. You tell me?

You mean you are not working? Not even part time??

Noooo..too much on my platter right now. It is tough..No time..

Why NO time? You are doing nothing! Wasting your time. What`s` wrong with you? So much you studied. For what?

Well I did because I enjoyed it.

Hah. Just TP? What`s wrong with you.?How can you just while away your time? Do something concrete in life. Don`t be JUST a housewife.

Well, I am not JUST a housewife. Do you know how much effort it requires to run a house? I am the CEO of my house and have to face staff attrition, poor quality work, budget constraints.. everything like you do in your office.

Yeah.. Why not?

What do you mean why not? It requires serious management skills to run a house efficiently..

Yeah and the ones who are working don`t have efficient homes. Right? Stop giving silly excuses to cover your lazy attitude.

Of couse they do .But I am sure they have to make tough choices.And what do you mean Lazy? I get up at 6am to ensure that my son leaves for school with hot lunch from home. And when DH is up he has milk for his tea. Get the house cleaned. Oversee all the maids, iron out their fightings (Yes in -house fights happen here too) pay the bills, buy groceries..

Hah !So what is so great about it? My 8th pass Mother does the same and if I may say so..maybe more efficiently.

Yes . maybe,but that`s because she has 34 years of experience.

So ? You are so educated. Living in a modern city ,all household help at your beck and call, modern appliances, take away joints, home delivery of grocery ,medicines and You DON`T have TIME??? How crass is that?

Crass? Really ?Well I have no time because I love to maintain a beautiful house,and also love myself. So I go for Yoga, singing, lunches with my friends, for a walk in the evening. And I plan to learn an instrument and a language soon. And I do NOT feel guilty about it. I help my children with their school work, my husband with his official documents and bank work. So where is the question of wasting my education?

In short whiling away. And what is this teaching my kids? Have you lost it? A 12th grader can handle it. Bank work ? Really? A peon can do that. Why did you block a seat and deny someone needy of a chance?

Needy? As in monetarily? And what about my need? My desire to learn ?

All rubbish. It`s true the more you study the more you get confused in life. I wish a talented person like you would not just while away their time.

Grrr..It is my life and I choose to live it like that. I will work when I feel like.

Hmm Sad . But what to do. You want to be JUST a Housewife..

A hug a day keeps blues away!

I read yesterday that hugs can relieve one from pain.
Well ,I tried this today, and here are the results.
I hugged my teenage son ,early in the morning ,when he was leaving for school. He was stiff, surprised,embarassed and mumbled "Mammma...I am not a baby." But I did catch a small smile.
I did the same to my 10 year old daughter who hugged me right back.Real tight.She snuggled and whispered"Chweety Mamma." That certainly pleased me.
I hugged DH on his way to office. He gave me a huge silly smile and winked in response.
Moral of the story? A hug does bring happiness-both to the giver and reciever.
Give it a shot.

Pic courtsey www.youthblog.org

Shawls any one?

A couple of days back I attended a concert by Pandit Jasraj. He was welcomed by one of the sponsors on the stage with a big beautiful bouquet of flowers and a shawl. Another Dignitary did the same. Nothing unusual. Almost everyone who is welcomed or felicitated get a bouquet and shawl, in India at least.
It got me thinking. Flowers, maybe Panditji will put in a vase or pass on to a secretary who may do the same. They may end their journey in a vase or a dustbin. But what about the shawl?What does he do with them ?He gets minimum one shawl per show (he got 2 that day).He must be doing at least 5 shows a month(a very conservative estimate considering his stature).That would translate to a minimum of 5 shawls a month, that is 60 a year. Assuming he has been holding concerts for at least 30 years the number goes to 1800.Now even if he passes them on to his driver, cook, maid and their extended family, his own family, distant relatives, students etc stc,1800 is still a big number. This is a very conservative estimate as this does not include awards that he has received. Again at least 1 shawl per award.
So where do these shawls go? Are they displayed on shelves just the way his awards are? Or they occupy his old cupboards or trunks? Or do they get recycled the way coconuts do at various temples? Any clue anyone?

One Monsoon Morning

9.30 a.m. A local bank in Mumbai.
The bank has just opened after a 2 day break and there is a long queue at the cashiers counter. I am waiting for my turn.

Enter: two human beings .To be precise two eunuchs /Hijras/hermaphrodites.
They walk upto the clerk and hand him a form.

Clerk: “Ye idhar angootha lagao.”

Hijra/eunuch no.1- “Main sign karti hain na.”

She signs. She is actually quite nice to look at. I notice her smooth hairless arms with green, red and gold bangles tinkling. She has a gold chain around her neck, a shining diamond nose ring, hair tied neatly in a bun. She is actually neat as in hygienic. The other one is tall, lanky squarish face. Red sindoor,her hair tied tightly in a bun. She notices me staring at them. She gives me a small smile. I smile back and she winks back.

Cashier: “Next.”

I pay the bill amount and just as I turn to leave H. No. 2 asks me-“Ye idhar light bill lete hai”

I : “Haan.”

H.No. 1 to H. No. 2: “Neksht time idhar hee aane ka na”

H.No.2 to me : “Thank you. Bye”

I : ‘Bye see you.”

This seemingly inane conversation draws quite a few glances my way. Some smirking, others disgusted.
I walk out of the bank and realize that this is actually the first time in my life that I have interacted with a Hijra in a bank. I have encountered them earlier only at 2 places. Either a traffic junction or a wedding/mundan or any such celebration. They are always loud and in your face. I have somehow never associated them as fellow beings. They are simply Hijras.
It set me thinking. These people are marginalized and ostracized by the society. If educated urban people like me have never even thought of them as a part of our social milieu how would they be treated in rural areas?
I remember as a kid we grew up thinking that hijras forcibly take away children they consider their own. There were quite a few myths associated with them. For E.G. Don’t mess with them. Inki baddua lag jaati hain.
When I met these two people in the bank I wondered where do they shop. I have never seen any of them at any shopping mall, multiplex, Bazaar, Vegetable market, Retail store etc etc . How and from where do they get their basic nessicities ?
We talk of a evolved society. Here we are blatantly discriminating between people on basis of gender. Forcing them to live in subhuman conditions, denying them dignity that each human being deserves.
Just yesterday I read a small snippet in the newspaper that said Ellen Degeneres marries her partner.
Ellen hosts her own talk show on Star world(2 p.m. everyday India time).I always found her a little boyish .Delicate , pixie like in a pant suit. She has now married her partner who looked really pretty in a white gown with a huge train. The picture stayed with me and I try to fit in Hijra 1 and 2 in the same scenario. Can`t but help wonder…Where would Ellen be If she were in India? Any guesses?

Of Butterflies

Of Butterflies..

I went into hibernation. Started my blog and suffered from Major Blog Fatigue Syndrome (MBFS) immediately. I had to lie low ,conserve my energy and hope to bounce back later. While doing Grade V Science with my daughter (Haan main Panchvi pass se tez nahi hu) we read about the lifespan of a butterfly. And I realized how close it is to my life. The idea of blogging germinated, just like the egg. The egg cracked and out came a caterpillar inching its way out. So did I, slowly and cautiously wrote my first draft. And then weaves a shell to form the Pupa. I did that too. Went back to my shell as I needed to grow at my pace. Out comes a butterfly slowly and painfully breaking the pupa. I am in the process too. Hoping to fly and hover around in a sudden burst of colors. Catch me if you can..