Z is for Zohra
why don’t you get married?
i like my life like this
who will take care of you when you get old?
i will
who will love you when you get old?
i will
who will provide for you when you get old?
i will
you are impossible
i am!
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Y is for Yumna
“Why is Bhabhi praying now? The panditji will
be here any minute for the pooja.”
“She`s reciting a prayer for Ma- I think it’s called a Fatiha.”
“But why? Ma is a Hindu- that too a Brahmin!”
Yumna folded her prayer mat and smiled, “Are you worried that
Allah will grant her jannant instead of Bhagwan welcoming
her in swarg?”
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X is for Xia
She knew she could not live with him anymore. Not when he
told her in the third month of her pregnancy. “It has to be a boy. There is
still time. Let`s do the sex-determination test. I know a doc who will do it
unofficially for us. It will save us from heart break later if it turns out to
be a girl…”
She knew then that they had no future together.
***
It was time. She dialed the clinic. "My water just broke
Doc.”
“Come now. Take a cab please. Don`t drive.”
“Yes.”
“You are almost there. What took you so long,” chided the
doctor as they wheeled her in the delivery room.
In a few minutes she was holding on to a miracle. She kissed
her little Xia.
"Xia? Unusual. What does it mean?" asked the doctor
“Sunrise.” she smiled weakly.
A new beginning.
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W is for Waheeda
and then he kicks me out of the door
slams it shut on my face
i sit shivering in the cold
the chai wala gives me a steaming cup of tea
why do you argue?
i look at him
wordlessly.
on such nights I also wonder
why do I argue? protest?
nothing changes.
every time it happens
i spend a night on
the street
waiting by the door
till next morning
he opens the door and drags me in
why do I argue? protest?
nothing changes.
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V is for Vidhi
“How liberal is your husband! So forthcoming. He has never
stopped you from pursuing your career,” Mini screamed.
“Yes. He has never stopped me because he has been busy
pushing me.”
Mini declared, “Well, you are really a thankless woman! He
is so supportive!! Here is a husband who is letting you travel for work and you
want to complain. What more do you want?”
“I just want to be. Not be a Trophy wife he can flaunt at
every gathering. I want to spend time with the girls. Can I not decide what I
want from life? It`s not that we need the money. I can work flexi-hours. I am
happy to not climb the ladder.”
“Talk about whiny women. Here you have a plum opportunity, a
supportive husband and you want to complain. So what if he pushes you? That is the
reason you have reached so far!”
“Don`t you get it. I don`t want to.”
“You can`t decide suddenly that you don’t want to. Not after
all that he has sacrificed for you. He didn’t take up the overseas posting. He
chose to be home when you had to travel. He loves you. It is payback time now. You have to do what he
says. Don`t say no to this opportunity.”
“Payback ? My own husband? Is it even love or just a well-planned
transaction?”
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T is for Tashi
you chose him
we told you not to marry
different religion, different city...
it`s all your fault
you don`t listen
you don’t understand.
but ma do you understand?
do you listen?
I am a failure
But do you have to be one too?
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S is for Shyamali
The maalishwali maushi smiled at her tenderly. “Don`t
worry. It is just a matter of few months. I will massage and polish her skin. Besan
and malai does wonders.”
Her eyes brimmed with tears.
Ma said sternly, “You better show results. You said so for
Meeta`s daughter too. She is still dusky! I am not paying you for just applying
malai.”
“Don`t worry. This time I will use chana dal that I will
personally grind and bring.”
“And you,” she pointed at her, “you better choose another
name for her. Call her Saloni. No Shweta-that means fair. Names have vibrations
too.”
She nodded. She was willing to do whatever it would take to
lighten the skin of her month-old daughter.
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Q is for Queenie
“Mishtu also wanted to come but Papa said…”
She tried hard to push through the darkness when she heard this. The lilt in the
voice compelled her to move. She trudged but the darkness was powerful. Like a
drug. She was tempted to let the darkness envelop her in its warmth but the sing-song voice was enthralled her and she tried to push her way out.
“For my birthday Maasi is…”
It was her birthday? Oh, I have to hug her. I have to get through this. She struggled to walk towards the faint grey at a distance. She
wanted to hold her little baby and kiss her. The pain was blinding and each
breath was laboured one. But she had to do this. For her child.
“Row row row your boat…”, trilled little Tia.
She held on to the sound-desperately trying to push the
waves and waves of darkness that seem to drown her.
“Is but a dream…”
She could see the faint light grow as she spotted a faint
ray and her heart throbbed. She was nearly there.
“Enough. Let her sleep,” she heard his harsh voice.
She stopped. Froze. He was there. She couldn’t go back. Tia
was there but so was Raj. Tia pulled and Raj pushed. Raj was stronger. She
slumped. She welcomed the next wave of darkness and allowed it to envelop her.
It was soothing.
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O is for Ojaswani
“How can you do that? What will I tell Mohit? And my
in-laws? My Mom is divorcing Dad after 32 years of marriage. Why Ma?”
She sighed, “you know why.”
“But Mom. What`s the point now? After 32 years. You might as
well just hang on for…”
“Hang on for? For what? Am I not entitled to live my life
the way I want to?”
“Of course, Mom. But like why divorce? Do your things. Don`t
listen to him.”
“I want to live not survive and fight and sulk and…”
“He won`t let you leave. You know that. You have tried it so
many times.”
“Yes, but I no longer have young children or old in-laws…
there`s nothing to hold me back.”
“Have you told Vikki?”
“Not yet. I will text you my new address.”
“Mom, please don`t do it. Why do you have to do so much
drama?”
“Standing up for yourself-even if its taken you 32 years- is
drama?”
She disconnected the
call dejectedly and called Vikki.
“I am moving out beta.”
“Oh! When?”
“In another hour or so. My bags are packed. I have booked a
cab.”
“You have a place to live Mom? You can stay with me.”
“I know. But I have my own place. As of now a barsaati.
I am really excited.”
“Hahaha. I am sure you will make a home out of it soon,” he said
softly. “Text me your address Mom. I will send you a house warming gift!”
She smiled as she disconnected the call.
She picked up her
bags and walked out of the house she had lived in for 32 years. The cab was
waiting outside for her. She didn`t look back even once as she stashed her bags
and the cab sped to the main-road.
She smiled. She was on her way home.
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N is for Namrata
she traced the little white dots on her wrist
there was a big ring-sized white patch on her elbow
her cheeks had even more
the forehead was dotted too
all her life she had hankered for fair skin
and now her wish had come true
Chitkabri- taunted the girls in school
tears galloped down her cheeks
mother kissed her tenderly
they are jealous-no one can be like you
you are the prettiest girl in town
with sun dappling your honey skin
don’t let others define you.
She smiled and wiped her tears and declared
I am beautiful.
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M is for Meeta
she stood under the shower
washing off the warm sticky fluid
trickling slowly down her inner thighs
at least it was here
even if it was
after four agonizing months
all her life she had hated it
and now that it was finally leaving her
she felt threatened, angry, lost, sad
she was changing-again!
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K is for Kirti
She lay motionless beneath him. His heavy body on her-all spent. Her insides were burning and pain seared through her legs and lower back. She still did not move. She knew better. She had learnt it soon-she was a fast learner.
Within a month of her marriage, she had learnt how to get away with minimal hurt. Just that it was never minimal. Every night. Some days too. Some evenings too. The lockdown had ensured she locked away her feelings, her emotions and her voice.
While the pandemic raged havoc outside, this one savaged her bit by bit. Everyday.
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J is for Jameela
then they said
you owe it to him
he was your husband
you lived together for 9 years
i wanted to scream
not lived- survived
but what`s the point
they saw the bruises and looked away
ashamed to meet my eye
their silence mingled with my silence
was deafening
and now I have to mourn him?
sit in Iddat for a monster?
Iddat/Iddah- a period that a woman must observe in mourning after the death of her husband
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I is for Inny
“We land tomorrow 4 am. I can`t wait to be home!!!”
Inny did a little jig when she saw Mini`s text. Well, much as she hated her sister, there were days when her heart ached for her Mini. Of course, she would never tell her that. 8 months back Mini married Amit and they went off to Singapore. It was
such a whirlwind affair. They had met at some party and then just hit off.
Trust Mini to do that. I mean she has always had guys following her like
puppies and Amit was no different. Only this time the puppy seemed to have
caught her fancy. So much that she said yes, the minute he popped the question just
3 months into their courtship. Most of which was online mind you.
Ma had been going crazy with her preparations.
This was the first time Amit would be staying with them-for a whole week. Inny was to move in Ma`s room- after all Mini now had a new partner.
“Inny why do you look so shabby? You haven`t changed your
clothes in a while?”
“No.I don`t want to.”
“Inny- what happened. Someone has been troubling you, my doll?”
Inny`s eyes welled up and she sobbed uncontrollably. Mini knew her so well. She wanted to hold on to Mini and never just never let her go. Her body wracked as she whispered, “Amit.”
“What about Amit?” Mini asked gently
" He took you away….”
“Shhh don`t worry.” Mini hugged her tight. The sobbing subsided. "I am here now. Come." Mini gently led her into the bedroom.
Inny`s heart thumped thunderously as felt the room closing on her
“I can`t breathe Mini…”
“Shhh”. Mini spoke soothingly. “I am here only Ok.” She patted Inny and gently pushed her on the bed. " Come on Sweety. Deep breath. I am here. Come on. Deep breath."
Inny nodded. She felt a wave of calm washing over her as her breath
settled.
“Now will you eat this for me?” said Mini after a few minutes and held out a couple of pills.
Then it dawned. So now Mini had sided up with Ma. Her eyes widened as her throat closed again.
Inny whimpered. She pushed Mini and ran out in the balcony. Mini sighed and called out, : Inny, sweety please...."
There was a sickening thud. Mini froze. She knew. It was time up.
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Bindu
“Priya is dead. They killed her.” Sarita was shaking like a
leaf as she ran up to her daughter
Bindu`s eyes widened with fear and her heart thumped against
her chest. “What? How? Who killed her?” she squeaked.
“They did. I always told both of you to follow the traditions. You
can`t do such things. Falling in love, taking your own decisions etc. You have to stop meeting Amit.”
“But I haven’t seen him since last week and Ma he is a Hindu…”
“That doesn’t matter. He is a Chamar.”
“Ma please. You can talk some sense into them. Caste doesn’t
matter. We love each other.”
“It matters”. Sarita muttered stonily. “I listened to my
brothers and lived and you have to do the same…” She snatched Bindu`s phone. “I
want at least one of my daughters to live. You cannot deny me that by falling
in love with a Chamar.”
“Ma please! He is educated. We can live in Delhi or Mumbai
or maybe Hyderabad. No one needs to know” Bindu pleaded.
“Priya thought the same didn’t she. And now she`s dead. But
you are alive and I won`t let you die.”
The next day the headlines claimed-Prominent politicians
newly-married daughter dies in a road accident.
Hordes of mourners crowded at their bungalow in the morning, expressing sorrow at the tragic death of their beloved Priya.
Bindu screamed and pleaded and howled. For days. And nights.
And months. But she lived. They ensured she did.
Chamar- a dalit community in India
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A is for A name
“Astha? What`s your take on Astha?”
“Meh…”
“Oh God Di! You are so difficult.”
“Listen, you don’t want to help me then just say so ok? I am
not going to settle for any name just cos you can`t think of any cool
one !This is my opportunity. I get to choose my name. Can you imagine- choose
your own name…I mean how liberating is that. I don’t have to be Bhavna anymore.
I can be whoever I choose to be.”
“But Di who is stopping you from being who you want
to be. Just by changing your name you won`t become a different person, will
you?”
“Of course, I will. Imagine people calling me Myrah or
Raina. I would be so so stylish and cool.”
“Di please yaar. Myrah is just angrezi mein Meera and
Raina is a twisted Reena. I don’t understand why are you so hung up on this.”
“Well, you won`t ever understand so stop trying to make
sense of it and google a few more names beginning with A.”
“Why only A? We can look at other alphabets too na?”
“No, we can`t. Vikas said that their Panditji has
said the bride`s name has to start with A. The stars will be perfectly
aligned for a happy marriage then. Panditji suggested that my name
should be changed and this is such a common custom in our community. Look at Ma.
Everyone calls her Deepa but all her school friends and her maternal side call
her Rekha na. It’s a tradition
and so as per this tradition my name will change too. After all I am going to
be new person once I marry Vikas. Now you get it? Chalo look for some
names now.”
“Di, what rubbish yaar. Just by changing your
name you can ensure a happy married life. I mean really which world are you
living in? And why will you be a new person after marriage? Why can`t you be
just you? And are you saying Vikki jiju will change as a person too? If
he`s going to change then are you sure you want to be with him. Aaargh! This is
so dumb.”
“I don’t need your gyaan ok. Help if you want to,
else go. I will choose my name and then
be whoever I want to be. It`s so nice of Vikki to actually ask me to come up
with a name I like. His Mom had apparently said Aarti-eeks I don’t want to
sound so holy. Vikki is so liberal and so is his family. I mean they are
letting me choose a name for myself.”
“Well, if that’s what you want from life then so be it! What
about Archana? Then everyone can call you Archie-that’s like so in”
“Archie- no. Reminds me of Harry and Meghan!”
“Aradhna? Arohi? Aakriti? Amita? Amrita?”
“No too old fashioned.”
“Di yaar. Ok then Ahaana? Or Aisha? Anya? Aalia?”
“No Aalia is too filmy. Everyone will think of Alia Bhatt.
Hmm let me think about Ahaana.
You think I look and sound like Ahaana?”
“What do you mean Di?”
“I mean the name should suit me na. But what can
Vikki call me endearingly? I mean if Vikki wants to call me out will he say Aha?
or Aana . Naah I don’t like this.”
“Di!! Let me give you a simple solution. You be who you are-Bhavna. Ask Panditji to suggest an alphabet which would be a perfect match for Bhavna and then let Vikki jiju change his name for you! Stars can be perfectly aligned from your end too, can`t they?”
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